Ask a couple's therapist

Dear Kyle,

My boyfriend and I have always prided ourselves on total honesty. When we got serious, we promised: no secrets. But recently, during a much-needed girls’ night out, I decided to head home early after plans fell through. I was expecting my boyfriend to be on the couch drinking beer and watching Thursday Night Football like he said he was going to. Instead, I walked in to find him dancing and wearing not only my favorite dress, but also the skin of several deceased women.

Naturally, I was upset. He insisted he hadn’t killed anyone, just did some grave robbing from some corpses no one would miss. Now, I consider myself progressive. If a man wants to wear someone else’s face I absolutely support that right. What hurts is that after four years together—holidays, promise rings, his mom calling me “the one”—He never once mentioned that he likes to rob graves, skin corpses, and dress up in human skin to dance around the house. I mean he rarely dances with me! In other words, he had a secret.

He said he didn’t know how to tell me, but he wants to make things work and is willing to do anything it takes. I’ve been hurt in past relationships by dishonesty, so this is particularly triggering for me.

He is currently staying with his parents while I “process.” I still love him, but can I ever trust him again?

—Melania

Dear Melania,

Situations like this are often tricky and painful. It’s not easy discovering your significant other enjoys dressing up in corpses skin. While you may feel like you're the only couple in the universe with this issue, I assure you as a couples therapist, it is a very common martial issue that 1 in 12 couples will face. I recently counseled a couple where the man was furious at discovering his wife was wearing a severed penis on their one night without the kids.  But with my help, they were able to work through it and come out with a profound new sense of trust, understanding and appreciation.  In other words, it’s common.

First things first, should your boyfriend have told you that his nights out hootin’ and hollerin’ with his boys were actually spent sneaking around the graveyard and digging up fresh corpses? Absolutely. Transparency is the backbone of any partnership.  But remember, your boyfriend is human, and what do humans do? They make mistakes.

Now, in my faith, Jesus Christ says, ‘Even if they sin against you seven times a day and seven times come back to you, saying I repent (in his case, I’m sorry), you must forgive them.’ Now, that doesn’t mean you put up with his deceitful behavior or even stay with him (but I do believe everyone deserves a second, and sometimes even third, chance). It means that in order to heal the pain in your own heart, you must forgive him for lying. Forgiveness is not always easy, but it is necessary, and sometimes it takes time.  My advice would be to seek out couples therapy, or even better, a local support group for partners who have lied about wearing dead people’s skin. This way, you can not only share your story to heal and hopefully grow closer, but also listen to others who have faced similar challenges in their partnerships and found ways to work through them, some even emerging with a renewed & profound sense of understanding and perspective.

If he refuses to seek help, it might be time to move on. But from what you wrote, my feeling is he’s more than willing to put in the work.  And remember, compassion is important, because as far as we’ve come as a culture in accepting people who are “different,” wearing dead people’s faces and skin is still typically taboo, even in our most progressive cities.

After some therapy and group work, I recommend that you both make a pact to never lie to one another again, no matter how painful the truth may be. Just remember, no matter how great a relationship is, it will always take work, and that is what you’re beginning to do. So perhaps instead of being upset about this event, try to see it as an opportunity for growth, because it means you are now experiencing what it’s like to be in a truly committed partnership. I wish you all the best

Warmly,Kyle