New study shows quitting alcohol for social media increases smugness by 10%, annoying friends and family by 20%

BOSTON, MA - A groundbreaking study from the New England School of Medicine has revealed a startling side effect of quitting alcohol and posting about it on your social media: a 10% increase in self-satisfaction, which scientists warn could lead to a significant rise in overall smugness and general annoyance.

With social media now teeming with Gen Z influncers touting their alcohol-free lifestyles like they've discovered the secret to immortality, researchers are turning their focus to the real impact: a surge in well-rested, kale-eating insufferability. "Humans have been getting shit faced since the dawn of time, but this is the first era where we've had to grapple with the smugness of the sober," remarked Dr. Numenberg.

While alcohol consumption is often linked to regrettable decisions and questionable life choices, the rise of the 'sober curious' has brought a new kind of toxicity to the forefront: relentless bragging about clarity, mindfulness, and how amazing 8 hours of sleep feels. Experts caution that this newfound clarity could lead to an even more alarming trend: sober influencers - arguable much more toxic as those still nursing hangovers.

"Let's not forget that some of the greatest artist and thinkers, from Ann Sexton to Billie Holiday to Kurt Cobain, found inspiration at the bottom of a bottle," said one critic of the study. "Plus alcohol has given us such gifts as the taser, the drunk tank, karaoke and the line dance, to name just a few. All sober curious has given us is the Peleton. And lets not forget that a shit-faced Winston Churchill managed to defeat a teetotaling Hitler." Yet, as proponents of sobriety wave their kombucha glasses in triumph, the study also reminds us that both Donald Trump and Jordan Peterson are teetotalers- sobering facts indeed.

"We're not saying quitting booze for a healthier lifestyle is bad," added Dr. Numenberg. "Just try not to start sniffing your own farts in the process. After all, even Jesus Christ turned water into wine at a dry wedding."